Welcome to this thing i call a life.

10:20pm: My life is like falling apart. =[
Well i guess its time to rant again, cause at this exact moment it feels like my life is falling to pieces. And all the memories i have are just about to become dust in the wind. That might not make sense but to me it does.

So apparantly our hosue is gnna be "auctioned" or some shit off on the 17th which means its gnna be sold soon. And i have no idea what we are doing, where we are going, who is coming.

On some level i want to move out of woburn jsut because im tired of being judged. Im tired of being judged by kids, parents, teachers. Im tired of getting into problems just cause of who my brother is. Im tired of being known as smurf's little sis. Im tired of the whole "your smurf's little sis, you must be jsut like him"

On another level i dont wanna leave woburn, ive been in woburn for 90% of my life. All my memories are here, the people that mean the most are here. I mean like if i leave i leave the few cousin who actually mean something to me and who i actually am close to, and ive been pretty distant from one of them and thats gotta change. =[ Rite now, well lately, ive felt as though alot of my friends  have done nothing except tear me down. Well except for a few of them. And how stupid am i for thinking that someones "best friends" should be there for someone when they need it the most. Or atleast not tear them down. Thanks nicole and megan neither of you have been tearring me down, if anything you've been building me up, i love you both.<3

Gr, i really want to rant cause i need to but i dont know where to start or what to say.
So i guess ill prob jstu rant tomorrow after ive written some poems and drew some drawings. </3

9:24am: ah Everything sucks.

ahhh, i hate love to rant!! I think i like the idea me and heather had yesterday, mass murder. =]

Moving sucks big time especially when its at the beginning of highschool, adn you dont know where you are gnna end up,and the most important people in the world are here. So as a result im psughing away? That doesnt do much good but hey it sounds like a good plain. People are telling me its for the best and that its what i need and its honestly just making me think, "Are they right? And if they are, do they mean its really best for them or for me to be able to start over?"  I've come to the conclusion that they believe it is betetr for them, and that they can't wait.

Two-face people suck big time!!! i love my friends to death, but alot of them are two-faced. and lately they are denying shit that we all know is true, and when the person is your best friggen friend, it sucks. People are worth it. Be glad if u actually find friends that are actually true, and not fake. Cause lately people are nothing but fake. I know i'll always have atleast one friend that isnt fake.

Family, well that jsut sucks all around. I dont get along with my mom much, or many of my aunts/uncles/ and cousins for that matter. Is it wierd to feel accecpted not by your family but by your cousins'  family? Well lately that is how i've felt. And i've had enough of feeling that way, so im not really talking to family often and when i do, i dont say much.

Guys, well they suck and all they do is cause pain. When your someone's friend and you deffinitaly know that they still have feelings for someone and you cleary say "I dont like him, but i want a boyfriend so bad that i guess i would say yes" when asked if u would go out with him. It wouldnt bother me as bad if you liked him, but you dont. And it is clearly coming across as if you dont give a shit about our friendship, so you know what fuck off.

gr, ppl suck, i could rant some mroe but that wont do me any good i guess?  you know what.
I NEED YOU HOME WITH ME!!!

9:44pm: life sucks. i used to be sooo close to everyone and then i figured i screwed up but i kinda think its jsut other people grew and took their place. the kid that meant the world to me really shouldnt have cause i just lsot a friggen lot. and what the hell your told a shit load of times that someone talks shit about you arent u gnna start to believe it? especially when the person that is being accused never denys it. ya well i ddid and i finally asked the kid about it and well i kinda blew up cause he didnt deny it again. and well that jsut caused him to get mad at me. and i figured he was amd and now today he fucking turns around and goes forget it we shouldnt be friends and that he doesnt wanna hurt me but he thinks we shouldnt be friends, after promising me that he wasnt mad at me and shit. god damn life sucks. everyone sucks. never make someone everything cause really if anything ever happens and they are gone you've really got nothing at all to live for. honestly ive never really been suicidal before, but really i dont need this shit and im kinda suicidal right now. =[ and i jsut wnat this all to end.

11:45am: urgh.

gr. i suck at life. =[ ive spent almost the last 24 hrs fist fighting with people. =[ my arms are a little sore but hey, its my own god damn fault. im kinda well very depressed. i miss my grandmother alot i cant believe its been 6 yrs since she died. =[ it seems like just yesterday i was spending time with her, or she was doing something with me or for me. =/ for years she was the only one around and it kills to know that its been 6 years since the last time, and it kills cause i always wished she'd be around to see me succeed. and even though she'll always be watchin over me she wont be there, i wont get to hear im proud of you. since noone else says it to me, i miss it. since i achieve in things pretty easily noone says good job its just normal for me to do good. which stinks sucks big time. i hate death with a friggen passion, and it seems like it just follows me and its all around me all the time especially in april.

hell yeahh seeing 9 fucking bands live in 2 friggen monthsss. thats sickk!!!!!!!!<3 i friggen saw taking back sunday, armor for sleep, under oath, im going to see mcr, possibly lost prophets, muse, possibly three days grace, puddle of mud, andddd   breaking benjamins.. hellzzz yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im pumpedddd and then another concert thisss sumaaaa<3

now that i got that random burst of happiness out i can rant again. people friggen have me so confused now that people suck and that i screw up alot.

god damn im so like pumped for concerts and shit but now im also like sad and shit. so now im all like wtf?  gah why the hell do i always manage to screw up good friendships? no matter what i do i always find a way to screw it up. and hey it friggen gets me in so much trouble, and it the reason for me to lose many people which isnt cool.

eh hanging out with my biffle maya sooo im done ranting and raving right now...



 so byebyebeyebeybeyebyebeyebeybey

9:13am: life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I love hate life with a passion. I haven't been on this in a long friggen time, but idk i decided that mayb this would help me? No matter how much i try to be a good friend or anything im always screwing up with someone, especially the people that mean the most to me. I'm tired of ppl always making me feel like shit for weeks on end. The most important people had me feeling like shit since before valentines day, so thats the main reason i didnt hang out with them, and i hung out with the kid i like<3 And since then most of them have been mad at me and its fuckin gay, all of it. Even though ii say its gay, they still mean everything to me and i have no friggen idea how much i can take of their shit, its back to me asking my parents to move again. and this time its actually gnna happen more than likely, cause we are already moving out of this house and ill just make sure we leave woburn all together. Cause then mayb i wont have any of my past to live with, and it would be so much easier to start over, other than id be starting over at the beginning of high school? that might be sucky. I'm done jsut trying to do anything, or trusting people, cause when i do trust them i get screwed over. gah, and then on top of this all the kid i like, has my head goin in circles, hes got my so friggen confused. and on top of all that i have an aunt with lung cancer, an aunt that had 2 strokes, and my mom who has alot of shit rong with her, my 3 year old cousin who is sick, my family fighting and it all having to do with me? my aunt saying she wants to take me to live with her. and all these memories about my grandmother, it really does suck sleeping in a room that they died in, ive never been this emotional about ehr until this year. but i realized that in june im gnna be going to the zoo that i was at when she died.. -tear--tear- so im just a big mess of emotions, that i cant handle anymore. so to end this, I'm a screw up, people suck, life sucks, and emotions suck!!!

5:52pm: Why me??

ugh.. wat the fuck. is it normal to feel like u cant trust ur friends? or that u have to lie to them about why ru sad or even if ur sad. cause lately im having trouble with all of this.  im also having trouble terlling ppl that they cant always tell me everythign cause really i may seen like im strong enough toio handle evreything when really everytime u tell me somethign i just break little by little and pretty soon theres not gnna be anything left to break.mayb im feeling so confused about my friends because i am having way to much dumped on em at one time but im nto sure cause 1 thing after another someone is coming to me asking for help wiht something. btu seenonce i help them their gone. and i have so much going on that i just once need time to stop and think adn figure out this mess i call my life. its it fair for one single person to have all the wieght over every1 else problems on them along with theirs. i dont know what to do anymore. i kno i need to take a break for everything and just think abotu everything going on in my lfie and figure out my life but how can i knowing someones gnna need my help. cause every time ive tried to figure it out someones needed help with something..
 
So just one question how can i do this?

3:52pm: every1 is so effin oblivious..

well. im really aggrivated . i'm tired of everything and every1 90% of ppl. cause of a couple things ive done i cant get away from any1 and their effin gay ass remarks. i dont think im every gonna get away from them again. so wat the fuck. i dont wanna deal wiht this. and if ppl are to oblivious to realize what they said or did to annoy && piss me off then why the hell do they mean so much to me. i know some ppl are just naturally oblivious to some things but god how many things can make me go from an ok mood one second then being pissed off at u with u only saying like 2 things. how much common sense does it take to figure out. but no some ppl are just to effin oblivious and ignorant and stupid to figure it out.see these types of ppl piss me off and it takes them like hours or days top figure out that ru amde at them and stuff. and when they finally realize it they never know what they did. adn even if u go thing about something u said to me that could have offended me they still wont get it. and ugh.

why is everythign so confusing? why does everytime u make 1 ensywensy mistake everythign u do after that turn into an even bigger mistake untill u get to a mistake u cant fix. why do i always trust the ppl who i shouldnt trust and the people i shoudl trust i dont trust. why is that. is it rite to say soemone is ur best friend but deep down ur not sure if its really true anymore. and everything that happens makes u think alittle bit mroe that being bestfirends isnt wat is suppost to happen. and then ur "best friend" tells u something and u dont know weither to believe it or not.UGH!

9:41am: err sad. ugh
UGH!! why is everything thats going on so fucking confusing. i'm tired of always being sad. im tired of always feeling like writing sad and depressing poems that every1 else seems to like. and then ahve them all tell me the poems are great. errr i also hate how every1 i seem to trust ends us being 2faced or i end up losing them cause they dont care.=[i hate how every1 comes to me wiht their problems to help them figure it out. and i always do cause i dont mind it. but damn could someone ever find the time to really help me?? cause ya i sit ehre and help u ppl but im also sitting ehre confused and depressed myself.. btu does any1 seeem to realize that no. only once and a while but every1 always says sorry i dont know what to say and im tired of it cause i always manage to help out ppl even if i dont know what to say. mayb its just because im always there to listen or even to give them advice but when its for me it seems like theres nobody.. see and when i find soemone who is willing to help me there always there until i help them with their problem and then their not here for me any more.. well ya i dont feel like writing anymore rite now.